#too dark

[less-sexy-secrets]

TW/ SA, Repressed Memories, Trauma Therapy

Still working through this one. Im (clearly) a very highly sexual person, always have been.. but wasn’t until a few months ago I started connecting flashbacks and realizing there was some repressed memories sometime between the ages of 4-7 when I was left in the care of someone we trusted… who then left me in the care of someone else…at least twice. Processing slowly. I still don’t remember all the details. My therapist tells me not to actively try to remember, as my brain has been hiding it for a reason. I believe her. My brain maybe doesn’t remember…. but I know my body does, when it starts uncontrollably shaking with fear. Therapist: “would you not have told someone?” “No, bad things happened in my home all the time, and we were never talked about any of them, why would this have been any different?” 💔 My therapist, who I’d been working with for years, said she alway suspected SA in my past. In our first, intake session taking down my history she asked “Any history of sexual abuse?” To which, I apparently responded “Not that I remember”.

To heal the wound you first have to stop touching it.

[ohno-the-sun]

Hmmm doodle

[lord-aldhelm]

So I was making some gifsets of season 3 yesterday and:

I cannot STAND how shaky the camera is in some scenes!! Like this is ridiculous hold it STILL man!

So I painstakingly stabilized the gif frame by frame:

And this is what I was able to do. Still slightly shaky but at least I don't get seasick looking at my own gifs ffs...

I know I could have done a better job and before I post the final gifset I will make it better. I was using that little grey circle to the right to align everything and I kind of just eyeballed it but I can do better.

[mytrashbin]

Callan Mulvey as Det. Sgt. Brian Crellan in Last King of the Cross.

[elizapidge]

Dearest Hollywood. It’s okay to use lighting in films.

[jennhoney]

Relax Bud.

I tend to do my lessons very early in the morning before I’m even awake. so duo starts losing their mind by 8 am. And then occasionally I forget until evening and Duo has several full metal breaks.

[youseemsurprised]

If I never had a libido I would be ok. I feel like i should be in a hijab or a be a nun, however I have demons.

I dont care for men. I just want to be around women. I can’t stand people my age and I like to be alone.

[pterosaturn]

[theozma]

there are serious lighting issues in this game. i don’t have a lighting mod...but i shouldn’t need a mod to be able to see black sims @thesimsofficial

[humming-fly]

They seem like the kind of guys who would keep count

Bonus:

[bending-sickle]

for the record i can apparently bead netting necklaces whilst headachey nauseous and trying to keep the knives out of my head and the fetid florida swamp from crawling up my throat

[mournfulroses]

Clarice Lispector, from "Too Much of Life Complete Chronicles," publ. in 2022

[voidingintotheshout]

That happened to me. It didn’t work though. I managed to convince the therapist because of my Neurodivergence and my ADHD, and my overwhelming personality that I was empirically difficult and hard to love and this… somehow convinced him.

It was one of the more heartbreaking experiences of my life. In hindsight, I wish he had tried harder.

Sometimes working through your mental health and past trauma involves convincing someone you’re not worth the trouble and hoping against hope that they don’t believe you. That the hype won’t work on them. It’s a shame that it’s so often does work. 

Update:

I sat with it, and realize that it isn’t true. It’s a performance that I am playing on myself like insisting that I will ask a question to someone, and they have to say no, no matter what it is. They agree, because they care about me and so I asked the question “is there any point in me being alive?“ To which they say no. It hurts but it’s fake.

I did it to myself. Pushing myself into emotional self harm and over and over again is a punishment for something. I know what it is, but it’s hard to lose respect for the people who are supposed to keep you safe from harm when you were little and excepting that they not only failed at their jobs that they didn’t care about their job to begin with. All the kids are tormented me in school and the teacher just ignored the situation because they just wanted to teach. All the times the recess monitor saw me getting bullied and didn’t do anything. All of those parents of those horrible children Who didn’t bother to teach their kid how to be a decent fucking human being. All of those kids probably ended up becoming cops or working in finance. Fuck all of them. They showed me they weren’t worth my time. And it’s small and pathetic that they felt like it was OK to judge and bully someone just because they were weird.

That’s as much self introspection as I can do for right now. 

Therapy is risky because sometimes they'll just ask you their standard "why can't you, though", and you think you're making some good point by saying something like "well if I don't do anything with my life then what's the point of being alive in the first place" and your therapist gets that look on their face and you immediately realise that your dumb ass just got caught, pinned to the ground with your stupid-ass neck between the spikes of a pitchfork, and you are not going to wiggle out of there before you two unpack what the fuck you just said.

[ryanriot]

Spooky brain-spazzer

[fairydrowning]

– Noor Unnahar, Instagram account "noor_unnahar"

[TEXT ID: / [Lemons] / My father's mother loved lemons. Years after her passing, / we run out of everything, but never / lemons. / Nothing else shelters grief / better than memory. / It's my father way of saying, / even in your absence, you will be / cared by me. / END ID]